The Original "A fucking couch-man?!" By Marshel Helspur

A fucking Couch-man?!
By Marshel Helsper

And so they sat…doing nothing…. Geez, these guys are boring. “Dude, I’m bored.” A.H. broke the silence of the house, the three of them just sitting around.
“Well, let’s go do something.” Groaned Billy Bob as his stomach rumbled. “Man I’m hungry.”
“Then let’s go to Maxi-Foods and get something to eat or whatever.” Chimed Jim, a simultaneous shrug from them all.
“Yeah, alright.” Said A.H., and they all went and trekked on the long journey to the wondrous Maxi-Foods. Which just happens to be across the street and it isn’t wondrous at all. Actually, its just a store that a bunch of Mexicans go to.
And through the automated doors they go, queue the evil zombie music. Bodies are lain out everywhere with smooth, cold, blood covering the floor. There is no sign of movement anywhere in view, and the ‘adventures’ walk in, stepping over the bodies in their path. Something catches Billy Bob’s eye.
“What’s that? And what seems to be out of nowhere comes a Mexican zombie, with a Maxi-Foods shirt on, pale face and blood and bullet holes all over the place, and the music changes to the pleasant store music, the zombie brings a smile, an ugly, torn face, smile.
“Hola, bi envinedo a Maxi-Foods!” As the zombie spoke those words, Jim freaks out.
"What the fuck did you just say to me you illegal immigrant? Do I look like a dirty spic? Does it really look like I actually speak such a filthy language? Now you'll pay! Nay, not just you, but your whole race!"
And that's why Jim hates zombies, believe it or not.
Full of fury, racism, and hatred, Jim pulls out his SMG’s. It’s a good thing he cleans his guns. Good old Jim. Never forgets to clean his guns.
“Die you zombie Spics!” He screams and unloads on the creature of darkness, the already dead body slumps over, well…dead…again. A.H. whips out his sword-chucks (oh yeah!) and begins running towards the zombies emerging from hiding.
Time slows down. A.H.’s pace slows, the blood spurts off an almost freezes in the air, Jim’s rounds slow, shells tap the ground, and Billy Bob just walks by the two.
“Jeez, you guys are as slow as zombies.” He says and makes his way towards the booze. “Let’s go happy necromancer, let’s go!” He says to himself. Time speeds up again, and the other two move faster, shells tap against the grounds, zombies slump over, Jim grins as his eyes are lit up by the explosion of air coming from the barrels of his choice weapons. A.H. uses his own choice weapons and cuts down his enemies, burning those he touches. Then he screams.
“Ahhhhh-ahhhhh-ahhhhhhhh!” He yells as he falls to his knees, blood shoots from his right arm. His left hand claps his right arm, Jim’s head turns.
“What….What happened?!?!” His face looks in horror at the now laughing A.H. A.H. falls back, laughing harder and a ketchup bottle flies out of his hands and rolls to Jim’s feet.
“Hahahaha! I really got you going! You should have seen your face!”
“Yeah, yeah you fucking dirt bag….” Jim says as his clips drop to the ground, A.H.’s sword chucks fly across the room, the chain wraps around a zombies neck, wrapping, tightening, and then beheading.
“Sweet! That was fun!” A.H. yelled. “Wait a second…where’s Billy Bob?” A.H. and Jim look around, searching for their necromancer friend. So they find him drunk, booze in his hand, and sitting on a Couch….
“Wait…what’s a Couch doing in Maxi-Foods?!?!” Announcers voice booms. “Well, I’ll just be quiet and watch.”
“You fucking better!…Stupid ass Announcer ghost.” Jim said. Billy Bob appeared to be talking to himself.
“Oh hey guys; I found Stranger!” Billy Bob says as A.H. takes a seat beside him. A scream is heard from beneath BillyBob.
“Yeah, sure you did….” A.H. said as yet another scream is heard. “What the hell IS that?!?!” A.H. questioned the Announcer.
“Hell if I know! Wait a few moments….It might come up or something!” Announcer spoke.
“Ass-hole Announcer. Anyway…. When is this gonna happen?” A.H. spoke under his breath.
“Ahhhh! Oh my god!!! It burns!!! Get it off! It’s hot! I’m on fire!” Yelled the Couch as it slowly began to catch fire. A.H. and Billy Bob pushed themselves off of the Couch. Couch begins to collapse, and is suddenly replaced by Stranger.
“Weeeeeeeeeee!” Stranger yells, back from the Couch-dead.
“Perdone, señor, pero usted tendrá para pagar por eso!” Spoke a previously un-heard voice. All of the adventurers turn around to see a zombie pointing at Billy Bob’s bottle of booze. Jim upholsters his prized magnum…good ol’ Jim. No more zombie.