Extra! Extra! Stranger’s past revealed!!!
By Bill Bradley
Stranger. The man with a past similar to his name. Strange… er… yeah: Stranger
Stranger, believe it or not, was on of the very first humans to ever be there (Don’t ask where ‘there’ is. I have been lead that it’s next to that spot in the wild blue yonder.). Everything was just goin’ along fine until pop, about four or five people just showed up. So, Stranger being the awesome cave-Stranger he is, went up to a cave-hottie and started to flirt. Unfortunately, the cave-hottie had a cave-boyfriend. The cave-boyfriend didn’t like cave-Stranger hitting on his cave-girlfriend, so he hit cave-Stranger with a giant cave-rock. So cave-Stranger died.
“God damn it you little cave-Stranger! You’re important to the story line. Just to make sure that you really don’t fuck up, no matter what, every time you die, you’re gonna become a couch.” Yelled God into cave-Strangers teenie-weenie little brain. And so Stranger became a stone Couch.
The cave-dude and cave-hottie eventually needed a place to sit, and they chose cave-Couch to sit on. Somehow, cave-Couch had cave-sex with the cave-hottie. The cave-dude found out somehow and managed to break poor cave-Couch into a hundred little pieces. So, cave-Couch died and came back as cave-Stranger. In a surprise attack, cave-Stranger killed cave-dude with a cheap cave-shot and a cave-rock to his cave-head.
Time progressed, and so Stranger became a Ninja. As a pickup line/act, Ninja-Stranger would use his Ninja magic and run up a wall, jump down to the floor, break his neck, die, and become one of those awesome little mat thingies that Ninja’s sit on. Boy did he get the ladies.
So, to connect Stranger/Couch with the group, Stranger was an esteemed business executive of a big, rich, and important company. He hadn’t turned into Couch for a really long time, either. So there he sat, drinking at a bar he didn’t come to that often (Generally he went to the really nice place a little bit further down the road. You know, the one with those hot chicks in the little cages? Man, what I’d give to be in there for about 20 minutes with one of those lovely ladies. Oh! Sorry about that.). A.H., Jim, and BillyBob soon came to celebrate nothing at all. Hell, they came to drink.
The night went on, and in a drunken stupor, A.H. put his arm around Stranger. So, Stranger died a really, really hot and very painful death, but soon became Couch. Then Couch let the group stay at his place. And so they’ve stayed there ever since. Oh, and they’re all friends, too, you know.
So until this day…well, more than likely yesterday, seeing how BillyBob might die in the hospital at any given time now… well, until this day, the majority of them remain friends.
Monday, July 9, 2007
The Original "Haha, Whatta Schmuck!" by Bill Bradley
Ha! What a schmuck.
By Bill Bradley
And so the group splits up… well… it was really just BillyBob that left…you know… to find the cure to his curse…or some booze. Whichever came first, you know?
So, he travels down the road, leaving his so-called family behind, which was really just a little pile of ashes, since “someone” got a little too excited with some explosives.
A picture of Jim pops into BillyBob’s head.
In dire search of his much needed liquor due to the diabolical prices of ‘cheap’ and ‘affordable’ booze, BillyBob manages to find himself in a pasture with rolling green grass in the middle of nowhere. As BillyBob thought about how he got into this situation, a dark cloud began to creep over the once azure skies. Now praying to his own Goddess for support, the sky boomed with thunder. Normally, Necromancers only had one god, the Bone Dragon, Trang’ Oul, but BillyBob was different, as we can all tell by looking at him from a mile away. BillyBob followed Bert, a woman who was promised to be in this ‘adventure.’ She is a woman from a beautiful astral plain, in reality known as Riverside, California. Anyway, he continued to pray. A small hole of light appeared in the sky, and a heavenly figure drifted from it, settling down right in front of BillyBob.
“Goddess Bert! You have answered my call!” BillyBob exclaimed, finally gaining hope that he may finally loose this curse that was somehow misplaced on him, or was it? Continuing on, Bert was wearing a pair of blue jeans, green long sleeve t-shirt with a little black cotton jacket over that. She had blond hair with doe brown eyes, obscured by her glasses.
“Hah… not really... er... guy. Actually, for some reason I just stopped here. You see, I’m running away from a group of monsters. They are all in love with me. Really bad.” Bert said with exhaustion.
“I can see why they would be, beautiful Goddess. You are more beautiful than any temptress that walks any plane. Hey, you wouldn’t mind releasing a worthy follower from a terrible curse, would you?” BillyBob asked, become impersonal now that he may be free of his alcoholism….I mean, ‘curse,’ yeah, ‘curse…’ hehehehehe.
“Yeaup…I mean, no, that would be way too much of a bother for me right now.” A boom was heard off in the distance. “What you could do for me, though, is defeat the monsters that are chasing after me. If you win I may be able to help you.”
“I am powerless without any alcohol, Goddess.” BillyBob mumbled.
“The take this!” The heavenly woman said as a bottle appeared in her hands. She tossed BillyBob the bottle of Booze©.
“Oh my god! Er…ess. Booze©! Thank you so much, Goddess. I will do as much as I can against these foul beasts.” BillyBob spoke, gaining courage as he prepared to drink this liquid courage. BillyBob downed the bottle of precious Booze© and prepared to fight..
After a firefight between local law enforcement and the monsters, Bert was able to leave without lifting a finger, except to call the police after BillyBob was mangled by the monsters. The ambulance containing the barely alive remains of BillyBob sped off to the nearest hospital, even though Bert could heal him with little or no effort. Bert reached into her pocket and pulled out a little box that looked like it would hold a precious ring. On it was a note. She read it aloud.
“Good for one free, effortless (except when opening the lid) curse removal.” She opened it up to see a ball of light. She grabbed it and put it to her eye. “Hm…oh well.” Bert said as she tossed it over her shoulder. “Whata schmuck."
Poor, poor BillyBob.
By Bill Bradley
And so the group splits up… well… it was really just BillyBob that left…you know… to find the cure to his curse…or some booze. Whichever came first, you know?
So, he travels down the road, leaving his so-called family behind, which was really just a little pile of ashes, since “someone” got a little too excited with some explosives.
A picture of Jim pops into BillyBob’s head.
In dire search of his much needed liquor due to the diabolical prices of ‘cheap’ and ‘affordable’ booze, BillyBob manages to find himself in a pasture with rolling green grass in the middle of nowhere. As BillyBob thought about how he got into this situation, a dark cloud began to creep over the once azure skies. Now praying to his own Goddess for support, the sky boomed with thunder. Normally, Necromancers only had one god, the Bone Dragon, Trang’ Oul, but BillyBob was different, as we can all tell by looking at him from a mile away. BillyBob followed Bert, a woman who was promised to be in this ‘adventure.’ She is a woman from a beautiful astral plain, in reality known as Riverside, California. Anyway, he continued to pray. A small hole of light appeared in the sky, and a heavenly figure drifted from it, settling down right in front of BillyBob.
“Goddess Bert! You have answered my call!” BillyBob exclaimed, finally gaining hope that he may finally loose this curse that was somehow misplaced on him, or was it? Continuing on, Bert was wearing a pair of blue jeans, green long sleeve t-shirt with a little black cotton jacket over that. She had blond hair with doe brown eyes, obscured by her glasses.
“Hah… not really... er... guy. Actually, for some reason I just stopped here. You see, I’m running away from a group of monsters. They are all in love with me. Really bad.” Bert said with exhaustion.
“I can see why they would be, beautiful Goddess. You are more beautiful than any temptress that walks any plane. Hey, you wouldn’t mind releasing a worthy follower from a terrible curse, would you?” BillyBob asked, become impersonal now that he may be free of his alcoholism….I mean, ‘curse,’ yeah, ‘curse…’ hehehehehe.
“Yeaup…I mean, no, that would be way too much of a bother for me right now.” A boom was heard off in the distance. “What you could do for me, though, is defeat the monsters that are chasing after me. If you win I may be able to help you.”
“I am powerless without any alcohol, Goddess.” BillyBob mumbled.
“The take this!” The heavenly woman said as a bottle appeared in her hands. She tossed BillyBob the bottle of Booze©.
“Oh my god! Er…ess. Booze©! Thank you so much, Goddess. I will do as much as I can against these foul beasts.” BillyBob spoke, gaining courage as he prepared to drink this liquid courage. BillyBob downed the bottle of precious Booze© and prepared to fight..
After a firefight between local law enforcement and the monsters, Bert was able to leave without lifting a finger, except to call the police after BillyBob was mangled by the monsters. The ambulance containing the barely alive remains of BillyBob sped off to the nearest hospital, even though Bert could heal him with little or no effort. Bert reached into her pocket and pulled out a little box that looked like it would hold a precious ring. On it was a note. She read it aloud.
“Good for one free, effortless (except when opening the lid) curse removal.” She opened it up to see a ball of light. She grabbed it and put it to her eye. “Hm…oh well.” Bert said as she tossed it over her shoulder. “Whata schmuck."
Poor, poor BillyBob.
The Original "A fucking couch-man?!" By Marshel Helspur
A fucking Couch-man?!
By Marshel Helsper
And so they sat…doing nothing…. Geez, these guys are boring. “Dude, I’m bored.” A.H. broke the silence of the house, the three of them just sitting around.
“Well, let’s go do something.” Groaned Billy Bob as his stomach rumbled. “Man I’m hungry.”
“Then let’s go to Maxi-Foods and get something to eat or whatever.” Chimed Jim, a simultaneous shrug from them all.
“Yeah, alright.” Said A.H., and they all went and trekked on the long journey to the wondrous Maxi-Foods. Which just happens to be across the street and it isn’t wondrous at all. Actually, its just a store that a bunch of Mexicans go to.
And through the automated doors they go, queue the evil zombie music. Bodies are lain out everywhere with smooth, cold, blood covering the floor. There is no sign of movement anywhere in view, and the ‘adventures’ walk in, stepping over the bodies in their path. Something catches Billy Bob’s eye.
“What’s that? And what seems to be out of nowhere comes a Mexican zombie, with a Maxi-Foods shirt on, pale face and blood and bullet holes all over the place, and the music changes to the pleasant store music, the zombie brings a smile, an ugly, torn face, smile.
“Hola, bi envinedo a Maxi-Foods!” As the zombie spoke those words, Jim freaks out.
"What the fuck did you just say to me you illegal immigrant? Do I look like a dirty spic? Does it really look like I actually speak such a filthy language? Now you'll pay! Nay, not just you, but your whole race!"
And that's why Jim hates zombies, believe it or not.
Full of fury, racism, and hatred, Jim pulls out his SMG’s. It’s a good thing he cleans his guns. Good old Jim. Never forgets to clean his guns.
“Die you zombie Spics!” He screams and unloads on the creature of darkness, the already dead body slumps over, well…dead…again. A.H. whips out his sword-chucks (oh yeah!) and begins running towards the zombies emerging from hiding.
Time slows down. A.H.’s pace slows, the blood spurts off an almost freezes in the air, Jim’s rounds slow, shells tap the ground, and Billy Bob just walks by the two.
“Jeez, you guys are as slow as zombies.” He says and makes his way towards the booze. “Let’s go happy necromancer, let’s go!” He says to himself. Time speeds up again, and the other two move faster, shells tap against the grounds, zombies slump over, Jim grins as his eyes are lit up by the explosion of air coming from the barrels of his choice weapons. A.H. uses his own choice weapons and cuts down his enemies, burning those he touches. Then he screams.
“Ahhhhh-ahhhhh-ahhhhhhhh!” He yells as he falls to his knees, blood shoots from his right arm. His left hand claps his right arm, Jim’s head turns.
“What….What happened?!?!” His face looks in horror at the now laughing A.H. A.H. falls back, laughing harder and a ketchup bottle flies out of his hands and rolls to Jim’s feet.
“Hahahaha! I really got you going! You should have seen your face!”
“Yeah, yeah you fucking dirt bag….” Jim says as his clips drop to the ground, A.H.’s sword chucks fly across the room, the chain wraps around a zombies neck, wrapping, tightening, and then beheading.
“Sweet! That was fun!” A.H. yelled. “Wait a second…where’s Billy Bob?” A.H. and Jim look around, searching for their necromancer friend. So they find him drunk, booze in his hand, and sitting on a Couch….
“Wait…what’s a Couch doing in Maxi-Foods?!?!” Announcers voice booms. “Well, I’ll just be quiet and watch.”
“You fucking better!…Stupid ass Announcer ghost.” Jim said. Billy Bob appeared to be talking to himself.
“Oh hey guys; I found Stranger!” Billy Bob says as A.H. takes a seat beside him. A scream is heard from beneath BillyBob.
“Yeah, sure you did….” A.H. said as yet another scream is heard. “What the hell IS that?!?!” A.H. questioned the Announcer.
“Hell if I know! Wait a few moments….It might come up or something!” Announcer spoke.
“Ass-hole Announcer. Anyway…. When is this gonna happen?” A.H. spoke under his breath.
“Ahhhh! Oh my god!!! It burns!!! Get it off! It’s hot! I’m on fire!” Yelled the Couch as it slowly began to catch fire. A.H. and Billy Bob pushed themselves off of the Couch. Couch begins to collapse, and is suddenly replaced by Stranger.
“Weeeeeeeeeee!” Stranger yells, back from the Couch-dead.
“Perdone, señor, pero usted tendrá para pagar por eso!” Spoke a previously un-heard voice. All of the adventurers turn around to see a zombie pointing at Billy Bob’s bottle of booze. Jim upholsters his prized magnum…good ol’ Jim. No more zombie.
By Marshel Helsper
And so they sat…doing nothing…. Geez, these guys are boring. “Dude, I’m bored.” A.H. broke the silence of the house, the three of them just sitting around.
“Well, let’s go do something.” Groaned Billy Bob as his stomach rumbled. “Man I’m hungry.”
“Then let’s go to Maxi-Foods and get something to eat or whatever.” Chimed Jim, a simultaneous shrug from them all.
“Yeah, alright.” Said A.H., and they all went and trekked on the long journey to the wondrous Maxi-Foods. Which just happens to be across the street and it isn’t wondrous at all. Actually, its just a store that a bunch of Mexicans go to.
And through the automated doors they go, queue the evil zombie music. Bodies are lain out everywhere with smooth, cold, blood covering the floor. There is no sign of movement anywhere in view, and the ‘adventures’ walk in, stepping over the bodies in their path. Something catches Billy Bob’s eye.
“What’s that? And what seems to be out of nowhere comes a Mexican zombie, with a Maxi-Foods shirt on, pale face and blood and bullet holes all over the place, and the music changes to the pleasant store music, the zombie brings a smile, an ugly, torn face, smile.
“Hola, bi envinedo a Maxi-Foods!” As the zombie spoke those words, Jim freaks out.
"What the fuck did you just say to me you illegal immigrant? Do I look like a dirty spic? Does it really look like I actually speak such a filthy language? Now you'll pay! Nay, not just you, but your whole race!"
And that's why Jim hates zombies, believe it or not.
Full of fury, racism, and hatred, Jim pulls out his SMG’s. It’s a good thing he cleans his guns. Good old Jim. Never forgets to clean his guns.
“Die you zombie Spics!” He screams and unloads on the creature of darkness, the already dead body slumps over, well…dead…again. A.H. whips out his sword-chucks (oh yeah!) and begins running towards the zombies emerging from hiding.
Time slows down. A.H.’s pace slows, the blood spurts off an almost freezes in the air, Jim’s rounds slow, shells tap the ground, and Billy Bob just walks by the two.
“Jeez, you guys are as slow as zombies.” He says and makes his way towards the booze. “Let’s go happy necromancer, let’s go!” He says to himself. Time speeds up again, and the other two move faster, shells tap against the grounds, zombies slump over, Jim grins as his eyes are lit up by the explosion of air coming from the barrels of his choice weapons. A.H. uses his own choice weapons and cuts down his enemies, burning those he touches. Then he screams.
“Ahhhhh-ahhhhh-ahhhhhhhh!” He yells as he falls to his knees, blood shoots from his right arm. His left hand claps his right arm, Jim’s head turns.
“What….What happened?!?!” His face looks in horror at the now laughing A.H. A.H. falls back, laughing harder and a ketchup bottle flies out of his hands and rolls to Jim’s feet.
“Hahahaha! I really got you going! You should have seen your face!”
“Yeah, yeah you fucking dirt bag….” Jim says as his clips drop to the ground, A.H.’s sword chucks fly across the room, the chain wraps around a zombies neck, wrapping, tightening, and then beheading.
“Sweet! That was fun!” A.H. yelled. “Wait a second…where’s Billy Bob?” A.H. and Jim look around, searching for their necromancer friend. So they find him drunk, booze in his hand, and sitting on a Couch….
“Wait…what’s a Couch doing in Maxi-Foods?!?!” Announcers voice booms. “Well, I’ll just be quiet and watch.”
“You fucking better!…Stupid ass Announcer ghost.” Jim said. Billy Bob appeared to be talking to himself.
“Oh hey guys; I found Stranger!” Billy Bob says as A.H. takes a seat beside him. A scream is heard from beneath BillyBob.
“Yeah, sure you did….” A.H. said as yet another scream is heard. “What the hell IS that?!?!” A.H. questioned the Announcer.
“Hell if I know! Wait a few moments….It might come up or something!” Announcer spoke.
“Ass-hole Announcer. Anyway…. When is this gonna happen?” A.H. spoke under his breath.
“Ahhhh! Oh my god!!! It burns!!! Get it off! It’s hot! I’m on fire!” Yelled the Couch as it slowly began to catch fire. A.H. and Billy Bob pushed themselves off of the Couch. Couch begins to collapse, and is suddenly replaced by Stranger.
“Weeeeeeeeeee!” Stranger yells, back from the Couch-dead.
“Perdone, señor, pero usted tendrá para pagar por eso!” Spoke a previously un-heard voice. All of the adventurers turn around to see a zombie pointing at Billy Bob’s bottle of booze. Jim upholsters his prized magnum…good ol’ Jim. No more zombie.
The Original "Part 666" by Brandon T. O'Conn
Part 6
Part 6
Part 6
By Brandon O'Conn
“Ugh, my head….What happened last night?” Billy Bob awoke, no longer a happy necromancer, but a hung over bastard.
“You don’t remember?” Anti-Hero said over the sound of crackling bacon cooking on his head.
“Yeah, last night was fuckin' fun!” Jim said and they decided to tell Billy Bob what had happened.
“Well, we killed a bus-load of people!” Jim explained with a grin.
“Sword chucks baby!” A.H. exclaimed after he took a big bite of juicy bacon (Mmmm……bacon….).
“Shut the fuck up A.H. I'm fucking tired of your God damn dumb ass fucking shit. So just shut up.” Jim ordered. “Anyway, the entire bus was filled with cadavers. Then you came up in your stumbly, drunken, happy necromancer self and summoned an army of undead to destroy Maxi-Foods!”
“I have no memory of this!” Billy Bob exclaimed as A.H. tried to not maim himself while practicing with his sword chucks.
“So,” Jim continued, “we got tired and decided to go sleep at Strangers house.”
“That’s where we are.” Billy Bob realized. “Wait, …where’s Stranger?” Billy Bob asked Jim.
“I don’t know! A.H. where’s Stranger?”
“Uh hey Billy Bob, where’s Stranger?”
“He went to Maxi-Foods….why did I know?”
There were three simultaneous shrugs. “So Stranger’s dead.” Announcer’s ghost said. “And so am I, but this requires and explanation.” Everyone sighed at the same moment. “When Billy Bob resurrected the busload of the flesh eating dead, I and the audience were able to escape the bowels of El Diablo and return as ghosts.
The audience applauds and claps, giving the words a standing ovation. “Anyway, Stranger, their good friend, whom is the only one of them that owned a home, vehicle, two fully packed fridges, and had cash, went to Maxi-Foods and was probably devoured by a group of zombies.” Jim began cleaning a gun, A.H. continued to practice with his sword chucks.
“Hair of the dog.” mumbled Billy Bob, soon falling flat on his back.
Part 6
Part 6
By Brandon O'Conn
“Ugh, my head….What happened last night?” Billy Bob awoke, no longer a happy necromancer, but a hung over bastard.
“You don’t remember?” Anti-Hero said over the sound of crackling bacon cooking on his head.
“Yeah, last night was fuckin' fun!” Jim said and they decided to tell Billy Bob what had happened.
“Well, we killed a bus-load of people!” Jim explained with a grin.
“Sword chucks baby!” A.H. exclaimed after he took a big bite of juicy bacon (Mmmm……bacon….).
“Shut the fuck up A.H. I'm fucking tired of your God damn dumb ass fucking shit. So just shut up.” Jim ordered. “Anyway, the entire bus was filled with cadavers. Then you came up in your stumbly, drunken, happy necromancer self and summoned an army of undead to destroy Maxi-Foods!”
“I have no memory of this!” Billy Bob exclaimed as A.H. tried to not maim himself while practicing with his sword chucks.
“So,” Jim continued, “we got tired and decided to go sleep at Strangers house.”
“That’s where we are.” Billy Bob realized. “Wait, …where’s Stranger?” Billy Bob asked Jim.
“I don’t know! A.H. where’s Stranger?”
“Uh hey Billy Bob, where’s Stranger?”
“He went to Maxi-Foods….why did I know?”
There were three simultaneous shrugs. “So Stranger’s dead.” Announcer’s ghost said. “And so am I, but this requires and explanation.” Everyone sighed at the same moment. “When Billy Bob resurrected the busload of the flesh eating dead, I and the audience were able to escape the bowels of El Diablo and return as ghosts.
The audience applauds and claps, giving the words a standing ovation. “Anyway, Stranger, their good friend, whom is the only one of them that owned a home, vehicle, two fully packed fridges, and had cash, went to Maxi-Foods and was probably devoured by a group of zombies.” Jim began cleaning a gun, A.H. continued to practice with his sword chucks.
“Hair of the dog.” mumbled Billy Bob, soon falling flat on his back.
The Original "Holy Shit, he really is a necromancer!" By Bill Bradley
Holy Shit! He really IS a necromancer!
By Bill Bradley
“Doo Doo der” Hummed the bus driver, oblivious of Jim and A.H.’s plot to kill him.
“You go in first Jim, then I’ll stab the driver.” It is a very thin plan.
“Okay A.H. I’ll shoot everyone else after you kill him.”
“Agreed.” A.H. spoke as they walked to the bus stop, coming from a nice lay.
“Hmmm…I think I am going to go rape a hooker or something. Maybe a cow.” Thought the bus driver as he neared the bus stop.
“Hey A.H., the bus is coming.” Jim said.
“Okay Jim, get ready.” A.H. said as he stood up from the now flaming bench.
The bus steadily slowed to a stop and Jim ran onto the bus. “Hey, hey, hey, bus riders!” He yelled. A.H. stepped onto the bus with his sword chucks swinging.
“Hey, you can’t have swords on a chain in here Mr. Fire Guy! Those are a fire hazard!” The bus driver yelled.
“They are sword chucks damn it!” A.H. yelled as he stabbed the bus driver. “Nooo! It tickles! Hehe! I mean oh the pain, oh the agony. Blaaaaarg! I am dead!” “Now that he’s dead, eat lead suckers!!!” Jim yelled as he pulled two SMG’s out and started to shoot everyone.
Anyway….
After drinking a lot of booze, Billy Bob the ‘newly’ happy necromancer swaggered towards the bus. As he approached the door Jim and A.H. came out covered in blood. Well, Jim was but A.H. was just on fire. He always is. “Well hey! Hic.. did you kill all those people?”
“Yeah Billy Bob, why?” A.H. asked.
“So I can do this! Hic!’ With some words uttered, Billy Bob raised the bus full of people into the living dead. “I command you! Take over Maxi-Foods! Spare no spic! Hic.”
“Wow Billy Bob, you really ARE a necromancer!” A.H. yelled.
“You don’t call me Billy Bob the happy necromancer for nothing. Hic.”
“Alright guys! Let’s go to sleep!” A.H. yelled.
“Where A.H., where?” Jim asked.
“I don’t know! Let’s go sleep at Strangers house!” A.H. yelled.
“Hic!” Billy Bob uh…hicced…yeah…hicced.
“Okay!” Jim said. And so they ventured on, to a house near you. Well... maybe.
By Bill Bradley
“Doo Doo der” Hummed the bus driver, oblivious of Jim and A.H.’s plot to kill him.
“You go in first Jim, then I’ll stab the driver.” It is a very thin plan.
“Okay A.H. I’ll shoot everyone else after you kill him.”
“Agreed.” A.H. spoke as they walked to the bus stop, coming from a nice lay.
“Hmmm…I think I am going to go rape a hooker or something. Maybe a cow.” Thought the bus driver as he neared the bus stop.
“Hey A.H., the bus is coming.” Jim said.
“Okay Jim, get ready.” A.H. said as he stood up from the now flaming bench.
The bus steadily slowed to a stop and Jim ran onto the bus. “Hey, hey, hey, bus riders!” He yelled. A.H. stepped onto the bus with his sword chucks swinging.
“Hey, you can’t have swords on a chain in here Mr. Fire Guy! Those are a fire hazard!” The bus driver yelled.
“They are sword chucks damn it!” A.H. yelled as he stabbed the bus driver. “Nooo! It tickles! Hehe! I mean oh the pain, oh the agony. Blaaaaarg! I am dead!” “Now that he’s dead, eat lead suckers!!!” Jim yelled as he pulled two SMG’s out and started to shoot everyone.
Anyway….
After drinking a lot of booze, Billy Bob the ‘newly’ happy necromancer swaggered towards the bus. As he approached the door Jim and A.H. came out covered in blood. Well, Jim was but A.H. was just on fire. He always is. “Well hey! Hic.. did you kill all those people?”
“Yeah Billy Bob, why?” A.H. asked.
“So I can do this! Hic!’ With some words uttered, Billy Bob raised the bus full of people into the living dead. “I command you! Take over Maxi-Foods! Spare no spic! Hic.”
“Wow Billy Bob, you really ARE a necromancer!” A.H. yelled.
“You don’t call me Billy Bob the happy necromancer for nothing. Hic.”
“Alright guys! Let’s go to sleep!” A.H. yelled.
“Where A.H., where?” Jim asked.
“I don’t know! Let’s go sleep at Strangers house!” A.H. yelled.
“Hic!” Billy Bob uh…hicced…yeah…hicced.
“Okay!” Jim said. And so they ventured on, to a house near you. Well... maybe.
The Original "Tale Goes On" by Marshel Helspur
And the tale goes on….
By Marshel Helsper
Well, yeah, Billy Bob wasn’t exactly happy. He drank and lived in an apartment that wasn’t exactly…well maintained, and bills piled up. And his relationship wasn’t going well, arguments all of the time, and his girlfriend just wasn’t giving any. And to make matters worse, he didn't have the money to get ‘happy.’ As it were, so today, Billy Bob has decided to go mooch off of his mother, an so he went walking, because he doesn’t have a car.
Eventually, Billy Bob makes it to his mother’s coffee shop. Ironically named ‘Kiss My Grits.’ However it was not there, and only charred remains with no one around. (For you dumbasses out there, Jim and A.H. ain’t there.) At what should have been a door stands Billy Bob, shocked.
“What the fuck?” His left eyebrow raised, and no real shock showed. He enters the…uh…‘Kiss my Grits?’ Hell, I don’t know, its not there. Anyway, he looks for his mother, and once found, he falls to his knees, tears come to his eyes and run down his cheeks.
“No! No! No mother noooooo!” He cries as he turns his crispy mother around, his hands searched, maybe for a pulse. Soon his right eyebrow raises and he takes hold of something and he lifts it to look at it.
“Oh…thanks mom.” He says, grinning and gets up to his feet. For in his hand he’s got some of the green. And as if nothing has happened, he skips off, back to trek along the street to his favorite bar.
Meanwhile…
“Dude… I hate the bus!” Jim shakes his head as he sits at a bus stop with A.H. at his side.
“Yeah…I think we should kill the driver…” A.H. says with his arms crossed.
“I agree…but let’s get laid first.” Jim says as he turns his head to the nodding A.H.
“Yeah…alright.” A.H. says as he stands with Jim, onward to trek on for the quest of poon-tang.
By Marshel Helsper
Well, yeah, Billy Bob wasn’t exactly happy. He drank and lived in an apartment that wasn’t exactly…well maintained, and bills piled up. And his relationship wasn’t going well, arguments all of the time, and his girlfriend just wasn’t giving any. And to make matters worse, he didn't have the money to get ‘happy.’ As it were, so today, Billy Bob has decided to go mooch off of his mother, an so he went walking, because he doesn’t have a car.
Eventually, Billy Bob makes it to his mother’s coffee shop. Ironically named ‘Kiss My Grits.’ However it was not there, and only charred remains with no one around. (For you dumbasses out there, Jim and A.H. ain’t there.) At what should have been a door stands Billy Bob, shocked.
“What the fuck?” His left eyebrow raised, and no real shock showed. He enters the…uh…‘Kiss my Grits?’ Hell, I don’t know, its not there. Anyway, he looks for his mother, and once found, he falls to his knees, tears come to his eyes and run down his cheeks.
“No! No! No mother noooooo!” He cries as he turns his crispy mother around, his hands searched, maybe for a pulse. Soon his right eyebrow raises and he takes hold of something and he lifts it to look at it.
“Oh…thanks mom.” He says, grinning and gets up to his feet. For in his hand he’s got some of the green. And as if nothing has happened, he skips off, back to trek along the street to his favorite bar.
Meanwhile…
“Dude… I hate the bus!” Jim shakes his head as he sits at a bus stop with A.H. at his side.
“Yeah…I think we should kill the driver…” A.H. says with his arms crossed.
“I agree…but let’s get laid first.” Jim says as he turns his head to the nodding A.H.
“Yeah…alright.” A.H. says as he stands with Jim, onward to trek on for the quest of poon-tang.
The Original "Tale of BillyBob as told by A.H.", by Bill Bradley.
Billy Bob was a really smart kid. Now, don’t let the ‘happy necromancer’ thing get to you. He really wasn’t a necromancer. You see, he used to be a nerd. He played Diablo II an awful lot. We just started calling him ‘Billy Bob the Happy Necromancer’ one day. Well, when he went to college, he found out about beer. That changed him sooooo much. It just so happens that when Billy Bob got really drunk, he was happy. And he was an actual necromancer. But, he could only necromance while he was drunk. In other words, he was a necromancer a lot. After he dropped out of college, he started to try to find a way to be a necromancer all of the time.
Heroin, speed, pot, crack…none of them worked. He even tried cava cava which is a muscle relaxer. We’re all happy that the didn’t try Drain-O or something...well....at least I am.
Billy Bob is constantly hung over, so he is always grouchy. Strange thing is that we always call him happy. We really can’t remember what his parents were like, but his mom said 'Kiss my grits' a lot. We can’t really remember a lot about Billy Bob at all.
Sure does suck for him.
Heroin, speed, pot, crack…none of them worked. He even tried cava cava which is a muscle relaxer. We’re all happy that the didn’t try Drain-O or something...well....at least I am.
Billy Bob is constantly hung over, so he is always grouchy. Strange thing is that we always call him happy. We really can’t remember what his parents were like, but his mom said 'Kiss my grits' a lot. We can’t really remember a lot about Billy Bob at all.
Sure does suck for him.
The Original "Parte Dos" by Brandon T. O'Conn
“What is this awful stench?” Jim exclaimed as he and Anti-Hero entered the coffeehouse.
“Maybe I heard wrong from those people... Let’s give it a chance, at least.” Anti-Hero said as they took a booth.
“Kiss my grits!” was exclaimed loudly as a decrepit, elderly woman came to their table. The woman looked vaguely familiar.
'Ha! It's been ages since we;ve heard that, eh, A.H.?" Jim said.
“Listen, it’s a fire hazard to have you in here.”
I've heard that before! Thought A.H.
The waitress spoke to A.H.
“Either go outside or kiss my grits!”
“You are very racist, lady! How is it that you, one who is not constantly on fire can judge me, and my flames? Who is it that gives you power over me, the one who is on fire, the one who poses a threat to your precious establishment?" With those words, A.H. took out his beloved Sword Chucks. As Anti-Hero began to lunge at the geriatric server, she revealed a bucket of water.
“Leave or kiss my grits!” A.H. and Jim were forced to leave, but not before Jim got some coffee.
“Man, this coffee fuckin' sucks!” Jim exclaimed.
So Jim huffed, and he puffed, and he took out a TOW missile launcher and blew the coffee house up. All that remained was a charred, burnt dead body that uttered its final death cry…
“Kiss… my… grits!”
A.H. then proceeded to mutilate the body with his sword chucks. “Oh yeah!!! Sword chucks baby!”
“Maybe I heard wrong from those people... Let’s give it a chance, at least.” Anti-Hero said as they took a booth.
“Kiss my grits!” was exclaimed loudly as a decrepit, elderly woman came to their table. The woman looked vaguely familiar.
'Ha! It's been ages since we;ve heard that, eh, A.H.?" Jim said.
“Listen, it’s a fire hazard to have you in here.”
I've heard that before! Thought A.H.
The waitress spoke to A.H.
“Either go outside or kiss my grits!”
“You are very racist, lady! How is it that you, one who is not constantly on fire can judge me, and my flames? Who is it that gives you power over me, the one who is on fire, the one who poses a threat to your precious establishment?" With those words, A.H. took out his beloved Sword Chucks. As Anti-Hero began to lunge at the geriatric server, she revealed a bucket of water.
“Leave or kiss my grits!” A.H. and Jim were forced to leave, but not before Jim got some coffee.
“Man, this coffee fuckin' sucks!” Jim exclaimed.
So Jim huffed, and he puffed, and he took out a TOW missile launcher and blew the coffee house up. All that remained was a charred, burnt dead body that uttered its final death cry…
“Kiss… my… grits!”
A.H. then proceeded to mutilate the body with his sword chucks. “Oh yeah!!! Sword chucks baby!”
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The Original Page That Started It All.... By Bill Bradley
The story thus far....
The scene is a nice hilly area with people sitting in foldable chairs. A man in a suit is standing with a microphone. A particularly noticeable thing about him is his bright yellow tie with thin red stripes across it. “Good evening everyone. My name is Announcer. This is the story. The story of a hero. A hero who happens to be... Anti-Hero. One very noticeable thing about Anti-Hero is that... well... he’s always on fire. He doesn’t feel it or anything, and he is commonly blamed for building fires and forest fires. So, he is on fire. Anyway, in this day and age, people often opt to carry weapons with them. A.H. chose his weapons awesomely. Upon his selection, his eyes peered upon two swords connected by a long chain. He dubbed them: Sword Chucks.” A man walks on from nowhere, clad in a Holiday Inn bath robe, cheap flip flops, and the smell of booze. “Ah, there’s Billy Bob, one of A.H.’s friends.” Announcer approaches BillyBob, who’s unshaven and looks as if he is suffering from a very heavy hangover. “Hey, BillyBob! How’s the Necromancy life going?”
Billy Bob grumbles in reply.
“Er....ah.... Sounds great.... Um....see you later Billy Bob!” As Announcer spoke, BillyBob pulled out a large blue tome and flipped through the pages, searching for a specific passage. Finally finding the desired page, he reads aloud: “Filiolus supremus , EGO queso vos sumo mihi ut meus humilis urbs!” With that, a large blue portal opened, and BillyBob stepped into it, and then it closed, leaving no trace behind.
“You see, BillyBob wasn’t the average Rathman follower. When in high school he was the best student. He was very smart. Often he’d get wrapped up into too many activities. But, when ever he had a down moment, he’d be on his computer, playing Diablo II. He played it an awful lot, which is probably why A.H. and the group nicknamed him the ’Happy Necromancer.’ But then, he went off to college. Oh boy did that change him. BillyBob took up beer, weed, cocaine, speed, and he even once did heroin. But that life is now behind him. Currently he is trying to find his purpose in life. One of the last members of the group is Jim. Casually named Jim. He’s got a tad bit of an anger problem, which is only worsened by his license to carry loaded guns with him and his flare for dramatic entrances.” As if on cue, Jim walks by the Announcer and the audience. He is a tall slender, pale man with shoulder length hair. He was clad in black, with a black cloth long coat, obviously to conceal his portable arsenal.
“Hey Jim. How’s it going?”
“What the fuck do you want you little prick?” Retorted Jim.
“Well, I wanted to know how you’re doing in life, but, more importantly, I just wanted to introduce you to the audience.”
“Nothing can introduce me…but this!” Jim pulls out an automatic shotgun. His coat goes back to reveal a bandoleer of shotgun shells. He takes aim at one of the audience members and shoots. The elderly woman that the weapon was pointed at flew backwards out of her chair, blood spraying everywhere. The audience is shocked at first, but then they begin to panic and run. Jim lets out a cackle of maniacal laughter. He proceeds to exterminate the audience. After the third murder, Announcer runs behind a body for cover. He yells over the screams over horror and pain.
“You see, Jim shoots everything!” The shotgun stops shooting, and Jim pulls out a semi-automatic pistol. He approaches Announcer.
“Is this what you wanted, you filth? Well, this is now your end.” Jim chambers a round and shoots Announcer in the chest.
“Remember, he has an anger problem...”
Ocean waves crash upon the shore. Rocks crumble off of a cliff into the water. An avalanche occurs, killing twenty people. A midget is run over by a clown car. Announcer is dead.
Then, a truly remarked scene occurs. The clouds part, revealing a heavenly light that embraces the massacred audience and Announcer. Their bodies rise up to the sky.
“Oh no you don’t!” Shouts Jim as he pulls out a heavy machine gun. He pulls the trigger, launching 7.62 millimeter rounds at the floating corpses. One by one, they drop back to the ground. At last, the ammo belt is empty, and all of the bodies are sprawled out on the grass. Then, the earth begins to rip apart. Souls from the bowls of hell begin to crawl out of the crevice in the ground. Slowly, the bodies are picked apart, and drug under ground to the depths of Hell. The last soul is dragging Announcer. “This is what you deserve, you waste of life.” The hole seals itself up. Jim goes to a metal chair, and pulls out a wooden case. He takes out a long wire brush and begins to clean his weapons of death.
Then, Anti-Hero walks up and sees Jim
“Hey Jim! How’s it....whoa!” A.H. looks around the area, and notices the pools of blood everywhere. “I won’t ask what you did if you don’t tell me.”
“Hey A.H.! Sure, I won’t waste my breath.”
“Good. I was feeling like getting some coffee? Wanna come with?”
“Sure, as long as its good coffee. Because if it isn’t....”
“Don’t worry Jim; I know what you’ll do.”
Friday, July 6, 2007
Welcome to On Fire
A story created in our Earth Science class during our Sophomore year in High School to help dull the pain of another video about rocks.
On Fire is the story about some friends with extraordinary powers in extraordinary situations. We hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as we enjoy writing it, and if you don't, bugger off.
On Fire is the story about some friends with extraordinary powers in extraordinary situations. We hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as we enjoy writing it, and if you don't, bugger off.
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