The Original "Haha, Whatta Schmuck!" by Bill Bradley

Ha! What a schmuck.
By Bill Bradley

And so the group splits up… well… it was really just BillyBob that left…you know… to find the cure to his curse…or some booze. Whichever came first, you know?
So, he travels down the road, leaving his so-called family behind, which was really just a little pile of ashes, since “someone” got a little too excited with some explosives.
A picture of Jim pops into BillyBob’s head.
In dire search of his much needed liquor due to the diabolical prices of ‘cheap’ and ‘affordable’ booze, BillyBob manages to find himself in a pasture with rolling green grass in the middle of nowhere. As BillyBob thought about how he got into this situation, a dark cloud began to creep over the once azure skies. Now praying to his own Goddess for support, the sky boomed with thunder. Normally, Necromancers only had one god, the Bone Dragon, Trang’ Oul, but BillyBob was different, as we can all tell by looking at him from a mile away. BillyBob followed Bert, a woman who was promised to be in this ‘adventure.’ She is a woman from a beautiful astral plain, in reality known as Riverside, California. Anyway, he continued to pray. A small hole of light appeared in the sky, and a heavenly figure drifted from it, settling down right in front of BillyBob.
“Goddess Bert! You have answered my call!” BillyBob exclaimed, finally gaining hope that he may finally loose this curse that was somehow misplaced on him, or was it? Continuing on, Bert was wearing a pair of blue jeans, green long sleeve t-shirt with a little black cotton jacket over that. She had blond hair with doe brown eyes, obscured by her glasses.
“Hah… not really... er... guy. Actually, for some reason I just stopped here. You see, I’m running away from a group of monsters. They are all in love with me. Really bad.” Bert said with exhaustion.
“I can see why they would be, beautiful Goddess. You are more beautiful than any temptress that walks any plane. Hey, you wouldn’t mind releasing a worthy follower from a terrible curse, would you?” BillyBob asked, become impersonal now that he may be free of his alcoholism….I mean, ‘curse,’ yeah, ‘curse…’ hehehehehe.
“Yeaup…I mean, no, that would be way too much of a bother for me right now.” A boom was heard off in the distance. “What you could do for me, though, is defeat the monsters that are chasing after me. If you win I may be able to help you.”
“I am powerless without any alcohol, Goddess.” BillyBob mumbled.
“The take this!” The heavenly woman said as a bottle appeared in her hands. She tossed BillyBob the bottle of Booze©.
“Oh my god! Er…ess. Booze©! Thank you so much, Goddess. I will do as much as I can against these foul beasts.” BillyBob spoke, gaining courage as he prepared to drink this liquid courage. BillyBob downed the bottle of precious Booze© and prepared to fight..

After a firefight between local law enforcement and the monsters, Bert was able to leave without lifting a finger, except to call the police after BillyBob was mangled by the monsters. The ambulance containing the barely alive remains of BillyBob sped off to the nearest hospital, even though Bert could heal him with little or no effort. Bert reached into her pocket and pulled out a little box that looked like it would hold a precious ring. On it was a note. She read it aloud.
“Good for one free, effortless (except when opening the lid) curse removal.” She opened it up to see a ball of light. She grabbed it and put it to her eye. “Hm…oh well.” Bert said as she tossed it over her shoulder. “Whata schmuck."
Poor, poor BillyBob.